Date: Fri, 15 Dec 95 12:41:12 -0500
From: Adam Walker
To: ch-scene@ripken.oit.unc.edu
Subject: Another semi-complete enumeration
>On 12/14/95, Alan Benson wrote:
>
>>Alec Vance wrote:
>>
>> Oh, typical. The *one* person in the triangle who buys the
>> single and it gets stolen.
>
> That's not true. My copy is still firmly wedged under the too-short
> leg of my coffee table.
That brings up a good point. There are many reasons to buy (or steal)
the Shinola 7". Alan alluded to the fact that it provides much-needed
support for your decrepit and condemnable furniture. Unbeknownst to
Alan, I've secretly sawed off the legs of each and every chair,
table, and hat stand in his house to stimulate vinyl sales across the
Triangle. Look out--you could be next.
The Shinola 7" is loaded with vitamins and minerals your body needs
anyway. I challenged a group of civil servants to try the Shinola
diet for 30 days and guaranteed they'd lose the weight they wanted.
Just have a delicious "Vodka" shake for breakfast, another at
mid-morning, three for lunch, one when I get off work, one every time
Christa mentions "COPS," and a sensible dinner. Spackle spreads like
butter under the smooth stereo grooves of The Shinola 7". Plant the
Shinola 7" on Arbor Day. Drop it into the View Master, stick it in
the bankcard machine, put it on your dog's neck to keep him from
scratching his scabs. Glue 30 or 40 together to make a car shade.
You can use it to remove earwax. It's a highly effective
contraceptive. Clean the floor, chop vegetables, polish your shotgun
with it. It's a doorstop, a coffee stir, a welcome mat, a motor oil
recycling container, a table tennis paddle, and a napkin holder. The
Nuclear Regulatory Commission has recently adopted the cover art as
the official fallout shelter symbol, and College Republicans
nationwide recognize pray to it before chapter meetings. For you
budding tycoons, it would be an easy market to corner.
The FOX Network has entered into negotiations with Shinola management
to film its autopsy for an upcoming documentary to be hosted by
Jonathan Frakes.
The Physicians' Desk Reference says:
(A)pply twice daily to corns and bunions. Feet may swell to sixteen
times their normal size; this is normal. Eventually, corn(s)/bunion(s)
will explode in a pussy mess. Arrange to be out of doors and barefoot
when this occurs.
The Shinola 7" is the most effective car alarm on the market. Ross
was apparently uninformed of the astounding theft deterrent factor of
this record. Simply display it prominently in your windshield, and
park wherever you like, whenever you like. Police forces across the
country recommend The Shinola 7".
This is all, of course, incidental to any inherent or alleged musical
content.
I don't even own a copy.
Adam
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 1995 12:28:43 -0800 (PST)
From: adamckib
To: ch-scene@ripken.oit.unc.edu
Subject: Re: Another semi-complete enumeration
On Fri, 15 Dec 1995, Adam Walker wrote about the Shinola single:
> It's a highly effective
> contraceptive.
that explains the luck i've been having! women lose interest in me the
moment they hear i'm in shinola.
guess they haven't seen my cage dancing. The Mayor
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 95 15:10:06 -0500
From: Adam Walker
To: ch-scene@ripken.oit.unc.edu
Subject: Re: Another semi-complete enumeration
On Dec. 18, Mayor McCripple wrote:
>that explains the luck i've been having! women lose interest in me
>the moment they hear i'm in shinola.
No, it's only supposed to keep you from getting laid if you actually
*play* the record for someone. I find consolation in the fact that if
I play it loudly enough, no one in my building can score.
The only known antidote is **&jd1f&$`x`~;dlw/*89j9ankspit=+jzm! (text
deleted)
Happy hankering. Adam
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 1995 15:43:07 -0500
From: ale@backporch.pdial.interpath.net (Alec Vance)
To: ch-scene@ripken.oit.unc.edu
Subject: Re: Another semi-complete enumeration
That Martini character wrote:
>that explains the luck i've been having! women lose interest in me the
>moment they hear i'm in shinola.
No, they lose respect for you the second they hear that "Too Many Women
Blues" song of yours.
Anyway, I'm sure once you remind them that you're in Pine State they come
running back (so they can get closer to Charlie, that is).
